99 Bottles of Beer on the Stage
by TFRiD Queen
Summary: AU/slight crossover. An attempt to explain the various oddities found while playing Rock Band 2, using Yu-Gi-Oh! characters. Featuring Jaden, Johan, Zane and Malik as they deal with music, tattoos and piercings, and of course, copious amounts of beer.


Disclaimer: I don't own anything except an Xbox 360 and a copy of Rock Band 2.

A/N: An AU/crossover/drabble-ish crack that attempts to explain why there are always beer bottles scattered all over the stage in Rock Band 2, only with more interesting characters instead of generic avatars. Quick background:

Jaden = vocalist/guitar  
Johan = guitar  
Zane = drums  
Malik = bass

(And I know it's not very consistent, but I'm using Johan instead of Jesse because I really can't imagine him being called that...)

* * *

"_Gee, there sure are a lot of empty beer bottles on the floor," _was Malik Ishtar's first thought as he gingerly picked his way across the (currently) empty stage towards the dressing room in the back. Well, technically it was more of a grunge-y, falling-apart-lounge where the guys liked to hang before and after shows, but everyone referred to it as the dressing room ("It sounds more official" their manager, Alexis, once mentioned offhandedly). Distressingly, the number of bottles seemed to increase as he neared his way towards the door, balancing his bass on his back and a bag of snacks on his left arm. Loud laughter was coming through the other side, along with the clinking of bottles and eighties rock music blasting from a radio.

"_God, are the sound techs having a party back there or wha-"_ Malik's train of thought was effectively cut short as he finally twisted the door open and surveyed the view before him: the three remaining members of the band sprawled over the sagging couches (Okay, so Zane wasn't slouching), laughing and drinking-

"Is that alcohol?" Malik nearly dropped his bag from shock; sure, the guys occasionally celebrated with a few drinks after a good show, but this—drinking right before their next gig, _what the hell were they thinking?_ Dumping the bag unceremoniously onto the coffee table, he strode over to the radio and slammed it off to get their attention.

"Hey! What's wrong with you, you just killed off Bon Jovi!" Jaden scowled at the blonde as the music abruptly stopped. His body was sprawled across an entire couch, jacket rumpled and hair mussed, with a half-empty bottle of beer in his hand. Meanwhile, Johan looked up from his own bottle with a slightly guilty look, while Zane merely glanced at the intrusion before going back to scribbling on his sheet music.

"What's wrong with me, what's wrong with you? We have a show in less than half an hour, and here you guys are, getting drunk! Whatever happened to 'business first, play later', huh?" Malik groused as he snatched Jaden's half-empty bottle and poured it down the sink, earning a yell from the brunette. Johan, seeing this, wisely decided to shove his own bottle under the couch before Malik could storm over and accuse him of some sort of wrong-doing.

"Chill out, oh-mighty-leader, it's not like we do this all the time. Just before really, _really_ big shows," Jaden retorted.

"You know Malik, maybe you should just relax once in a while," Johan suggested calmly as Malik flopped onto the remaining sofa. "You've been on edge during the performances lately, and it's starting to show a bit..."

"Are you saying I'm losing my touch?"

"Well, no, but—"

"And I know just the solution!" Jaden exclaimed as he marched over with a two fresh bottles, popping open one for himself and shoving the other in front of Malik. "Here, you should have one!"

"Agh! Get that out of my face!"

"What, it could be worse, it's not like we're snorting crack or anything," Jaden muttered under his breath as he proceeded to drink his—what was it now, third?—bottle.

"I'm just saying, getting wasted isn't exactly the best thing to do before a show!" Malik put the bottle on the table; he refused to have anything to do with alcohol before a gig.

"Hey, we're not trying to get wasted, trust me. It's just to, you know, loosen things up a bit before the big event. Just a little buzz!" Jaden explained cheerfully to the blonde Egyptian, who stared back in disbelief.

"So you mean, all this time, you guys have been playing, WHILE BUZZED."

"Hmm, yeah, I guess so!"

"I—gah—...even you, Zane? And here I thought you were the responsible, level-headed one."

"In case you forgot, I'm actually of legal age ("So am I," Malik muttered). So, technically, there is no reason for you to be making such a fuss about this," Zane answered smoothly while still marking up the score. "And to be perfectly honest, there haven't been any negative effects on our performance, so..."

"So you approve?" Malik deadpanned, face in disbelief. Was he the only sane member left?

"I neither approve nor disapprove. What everyone else does is up to them, I just make sure they don't start vomiting on my shoes. Then it could get ugly..."

Malik glanced down. Zane was, indeed, wearing his pair of very nice, _very_ expensive, half-heeled Italian leather boots today.

"..."

"Personally, I'm surprised you haven't sniffed them out before this," Zane calmly remarked as he flipped through the pages.

"...You know, why don't you try it too? Doesn't even have to be a whole bottle, just a couple of sips. Help calm those nerves of yours," Johan handed the bottle back to Malik, who numbly accepted it without even really looking.

"But...the show..."

"Aww, come on, we do it all the—well okay, not _all_ the time—and nothing's happened!" Jaden slapped his friend on the back as he downed another mouthful from his nearly-empty bottle.

"_Yet_, you mean," muttered Malik. He was getting an increasingly bad feeling about this situation...

"Look, I promise you, nothing bad's going to happen. Tell you what, I'll make you a deal; you drink just half the bottle—" here Malik made a face—" just half, and we'll never bother you again about this. Deal?" Malik stared at the gloved hand Jaden was holding out.

"And what if something _does_ happen?"

"Then you can smash my guitar on the stage. You know, like how Jimi Hendrix burned his guitar on stage."

_That's it, he's drunk._

"Dude, are you serious? You frickin' love that Fender, and you're going to actually risk it?" Johan wondered if perhaps Jaden downed just one too many beers today; that guitar was Jaden's pride and joy, with a custom red Slifer the Sky Dragon faceplate and Winged Kuriboh decal. Even Zane was staring at Jaden as if he'd suddenly sprouted two heads.

"Well, if the stakes aren't high enough, then _Mr. Lightweight_ here won't accept," Jaden smirked as Malik's face slowly turned red.

"Fine. We'll just see about that. Deal accepted."

"Glad to see we've come to an understanding."

With that, Malik proceeded to down his entire bottle as fast as he could. About halfway through though, with the alcohol burning a hole in his throat, he could feel his face start to flush and his mind starting to fog. And it wasn't just from the seething anger he was feeling at the moment. Suddenly, he slammed the bottle down onto the table, startling the other members.

"Um, Malik? You okay?" Johan peered worriedly at their leader, who was oddly silent. Both Jaden and Zane seemed to be holding their breaths, waiting for Malik...

"Boo."

"Gyah!" Jaden fell backwards as Malik snickered quietly.

"What, you thought I was going to go on a drunken rampage or something?" he teased as he took a few more sips. The guys had actually sprung for the good stuff...

"Well, given what happened the _last _time we had an extended silence, I think we have reason enough to be wary," Jaden huffed before righting himself on the couch again. They rest of the band silently shuddered as they recalled Malik almost murdering their previous (and sleazy) manager after he caught him making back room deals that involved almost signing away all of the rights to their own music. Needless to say, he was fired immediately after that incident, and they had gotten their good friend Alexis to help manage them instead. Still, everyone sans Malik agreed that they would never do anything to incite his rage after that.

Malik frowned as he recalled that particularly unpleasant memory. He knew something had been off about that bastard from the start, but it had been their first major contract and the record company hadn't given them much of a choice. And he hadn't _really _intended kill him. "_Just maim a couple of limbs or something, scare him a little..."_ Malik chuckled darkly to himself, then realized the rest of the guys were staring at him with thinly-disguised terror on their faces. "_Oh great, they probably think I'm going to turn into an angry drunk and start raging again. God, I need to stop hanging around Bakura so much." _

The band held their breaths as Malik shifted in his seat, but he merely tipped the bottle back and drained it. The alcohol was probably relaxing his nerves, he knew, but it was pointless to get so worked up about something that had already been said and done, particularly before a big show. Negative energy before shows was a big no-no in the band, and he had to admit, alcohol wasn't known as the universal lubricant for nothing.

"You know what guys," he ventured after his bottle was empty, "We should make this a ritual."

"But only before major shows," Zane cautioned, his sensibility finally kicking in. He knew if the guys started drinking before every show, things were bound to get out of hand eventually.

"Well, obviously. Don't want us all turning into alcoholics..." Jaden and Johan laughed at this.

"A toast, then. To simply being happily drunk!"

"Hear, hear!"

_Maybe loosening up before a show isn't such a bad idea after all..._

Just as the four of them clinked their bottles together one last time, the door flew open again...to reveal their blonde, assertive, sometimes-nice-but-mostly-stressed manager, Alexis Rhodes.

And she did not appear to be in one of her better moods.

Normally, Malik would've been in a state of panic by this point (he, the leader, was allowing drinking before the show, and _underage_ drinking at that), but the alcohol had made him uncharacteristically mellow, and so he merely stared at her with the rest of the guys, unsure of what to say.

Luckily, Alexis broke the silence for them.

"What the _hell _do you guys think you're DOING?" The last part was screeched out with enough force to shatter lesser eardrums, but being in a rock band tended to make you slightly deaf, so the guys were (somewhat) unaffected.

"Hey Alexis! Wanna join us?" Jaden waved, immune to her already-building rage.

"No...no, I DON'T. Have you—have you guys lost your minds or something? Tonight's the RAWK AID benefit concert , and instead of seeing you guys going on stage, getting ready, tuning up, you're partying! Do you have any idea what I've spent my ENTIRE day doing? Why are you getting wasted?"

"I think the question should be, why aren't _you_ getting wasted with _us_?" Jaden replied nonchalantly.

SLAP.

"...Okay, I probably deserved that. But hey, at least it's not weed..." While Jaden nursed his cheek, Zane attempted to calm down their manager before she teetered over the edge and decided to disembowel them with her bare hands. Or worse.

"Now Alexis, we're not doing this because we don't appreciate your efforts. On the contrary, if it weren't for you, we'd all probably be lying dead in a ditch somewhere," Zane soothed while guiding her onto the couch.

"Then can you _please_ explain, why, oh _why_ are you doing this?" Alexis knew perfectly well that Zane was merely flattering her so she wouldn't unleash her rage on them, but she fell for it anyway. Damn him for being such a handsome bastard.

"Despite what you may think, it's precisely because the concert is such a big deal that we're doing this. We can't play at our best if we're on pins and needles all the time, so the alcohol helps us to...well, relax. But not so much that we get sloshed! Trust me, we want to give a good show," Johan quickly reassured as Alexis' glare narrowed.

"And what about you, huh? Is that your excuse too?" she raised an eyebrow as she poked Jaden, who was still lounging, in the chest.

"Mm, pretty much. Aw, come on Lex, when have we ever let you down? You know we care about the show as much as you do. And really, we do care about you too. So please don't be mad, okay?" Alexis pretended not to show any signs of emotion as Jaden attempted to clumsily hug her, though she couldn't help but blush when he planted a somewhat-sloppy kiss on her cheek. He may have gotten on her nerves more often than the other members, yet every time he flashed her that cute-yet-mischievous look, her anger always managed to dissipate.

"I'm just making sure everything runs smoothly. It's my job, and I'll be damned if I don't do it well," Alexis sighed as she massaged her temples.

"And we can't thank you enough, Alexis, believe me. We should head out in the next minute anyway for our sound check. But first," Malik handed a bottle to Alexis, much to her surprise, "one final toast, not just to us but our lovely manager as well."

Alexis just shook her head and smiled, joining in their final hurrah before they got down to business. Although running the band was often the source of her daily stress (and then some), the fun they had more than made up for that.


End file.
